I don’t remember a time in my life where I was as genuinely happy as I am up until this point. It’s beyond happy, Something that is so much deeper. Joy.
To me joy means you still experience the hardships in life and yes you get sad, but deep down when you dig deep into your heart, there is that…
Today, I faced my biggest fear; losing someone I love. I watched my big brother passed away tonight, and in that moment when I saw him stop breathing, my heart shattered. Derek, despite all of our arguments, tormenting each other, or you locking me in your room to watch scary movies with you at 4 am when I was little, you were the best big brother I could ever ask for. You supported me through so much, even if it meant picking on me along the way, or messaging me on Facebook and telling me that I could talk to you about anything, and you’d promise not to tell mum and dad. But that’s just was big brothers are supposed to do.
I know we complain about each other, I know we’re both short tempered and far over dramatic, and I know that we’re those kind of people who always have to have the last word and be right about everything… But at the end of the day, we’d always hug and tell each other how much we love each other. I’m constantly being compared to you, too. So I guess we are a lot alike. So from now on, when someone says a sarcastic “Okay, Derek.” To me, I will no longer take offense to it. No matter how it’s meant to be, you made your mistakes and I made mine. That doesn’t take away from what an incredible person you really were.
I’m not going to lie and say I’m happy. I’m not going to tell people I’m alright when I’m not. And I’m not going to be okay for a very long time. But one day, I will be okay again, but that will only be because you would’ve wanted me to carry on my life with happiness.
I’m trying so hard to not be mad at myself, or life, because I was finally feeling alright, and then your accident happened and caused you, in the end, to leave us.
You will always be here in memory, and in spirit. I feel so sorry and so selfish that I want you back as much as I do. But please Derek, if you can somehow read this, give me a sign somehow that you’re watching over me, and tell Grampy and Papa that I say hello.
I love you so much, you’re my big brother, and although I’d never admit it to you, you’re more of a hero to me than anyone else. You’ve conquered through the lowest points in your life, and in your short 25 years, you lived your dreams. I do believe you passed away happily, although probably seeing everyone in tears, and that makes you a hero to me.
Goodnight big brother, rest easily (we all know how much you love your sleep). I love you so much.
I miss you so fucking much tonight, Derek. I can’t help but think I should have done something, something that could have helped you, but I just don’t have a fucking clue as to what that could have been.